Sorry, I’m Not Sorry

Welcome back to the Tuesday Love Yourself link up! Last week I wrote a post about why I write fashion and beauty posts, and I was so excited about how well that post was received!  The post felt like a bit of a risk- I know you usually stop by this blog for pictures of quotes or script scarves, so the fact that so many people read through my thoughts on beauty meant a lot to me.  I can’t wait to share more, and to hear more from you.

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Last week I talked about Cooley’s Looking Glass self, and how I don’t want to use other people as if they are mirrors in order to figure out what I look like. Although intellectually it makes perfect sense not to care about other’s opinions, it’s not an easy thing to do! I have a few little tricks that I practice in order to remind myself that I do not determine my value based on others’ opinions.

Do you know what one of these first tricks is for me? Learning how to be assertive.  If you can’t assert your opinions about little things, you’ll never learn how to assert your opinion about the big things- like your own body image!  Here are a few of the ways that I practice being assertive.

1. Stop apologizing all the time! Knowing how to apologize is a very  important skill.  We all mess up sometimes and make mistakes, and it’s important to  be able to acknowledge that with a genuine apology!  But there are some things we don’t need to apologize for– things like someone else bumping into us, or an opinion that other people disagree with.  Things like when someone snaps for an unfair reason.  Save your sorrys so that they are special and mean something! (This one is harder than it sounds- pay attention to how many times you apologize when you shouldn’t, it will surprise you!)

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2. Don’t thank someone unless you mean it. When I went to school in Chicago, I once had a man follow my friends and I down the street trying to get our phone numbers.  I was extremely uncomfortable and wanted him to leave me alone, but all I could say was, “No, thank you!” Um, we don’t need to say “No, thank you,” when someone makes us uncomfortable- what are we thanking them for?  We don’t need to thank someone at the end of a conversation for firing us, for breaking up with us, for hurting us.  Use your assertiveness to accurately communicate how you feel.

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3. Stop using qualifiers.  This one is so hard for me! Qualifiers are phrases that we use when we speak and when we write that show our insecurity.  Here are a few examples: “This is probably wrong, but…” “This might be completely off-topic, but…” “This is kind of a stupid question, but…”  These little phrases are particularly hard for girls to let go of when they are communicating.  I notice when I am in class that every time I raise my hand I have to bite my tongue in an effort to not preface my comments with a qualifier!

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Alright, now you have three ways to start practicing being more assertive! Do these show up most often on your blog or in your verbal communication? Which one do you think will be the hardest for you? 

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9 comments on “Sorry, I’m Not Sorry
  1. Jenn says:

    I’m so guilty of using qualifiers.

  2. Im totally guilty of all of these! But I love how you put it and why we should stop doing these things. LOVE this post!! ♥

    ~Maria-Isabel
    http://www.agapelovedesigns.com

  3. tide & bloom says:

    I completely identify and came to confront this issue recently too. My entire life has been about making other people happy and as a result, there was nothing left for myself and I was miserable. I’m trying my hardest to remind myself every day that I need to be good to myself before others and then everything I do will be from a better place. It’s a constant battle, but definitely worth it! Hip hip hooray for happiness!

    • abelovedone says:

      That’s great that you are learning how to be good to yourself and be happy! I actually think that in the end it is MORE loving to take care of ourselves first- then we are healthy, loving people who can contribute more to our loved-one’s lives!

  4. Oh girl, I struggle with all of the above. I love your list, and you’ve given me a few good challenges to be working on in the way I think about myself and the way I respond to others. Great post, Farrell!

    • abelovedone says:

      Thank you! I love hearing from you on this blog, and I’m so glad this list gave you a few challenges. Can’t wait to read your post this week!

  5. This is SUCH a great post, Farrell! I totally relate. I apologize way too often for things that are totally meaningless. And being assertive is something I have been learning a lot about this past year.

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